Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
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Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Growing out my freckles.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years