Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
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hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up