Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
You Might Also Like
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
But I really needed water water water
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol