Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit