Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

*seductively eats two tums*

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us

The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us

servant: what size should I make the bed?

king: like this *spreads arms*

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

Good morning.

dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you

me: *immediately tases myself*

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!