Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
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I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.