Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

6YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

Time estimates:

“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never