[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
You Might Also Like
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.