Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
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Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate