Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cinema or bowling

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.

#StormAshley

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.