Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
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[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes