Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

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no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden


Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.


*maintains eye contact with coworker while licking a yogurt lid for seventeen minutes*


*Meninist meeting*
*phone rings*
Uhh just a second…
*picks up phone*
Mom not while I’m doing my club! Yes, pizza tonight.


Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??


A is for apple
B is for bear
C is for candy
D is for your mom


[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?


[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]


I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.