@fizzlestothetop
@wolfpupy
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
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@wolfpupy
@OhNoSheTwitnt
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
@CountGripsnatch
*maintains eye contact with coworker while licking a yogurt lid for seventeen minutes*
@SatansTongue
*Meninist meeting*
WOMEN ARE EVIL-
*phone rings*
Uhh just a second…
*picks up phone*
Mom not while I’m doing my club! Yes, pizza tonight.
@pro_worrier_
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
@RobocopLust
A is for apple
B is for bear
C is for candy
D is for your mom
@daemonic3
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
@dorsalstream
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
@Quartzjixler
I hate when that happens.
@kimtopher22
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.