@fizzlestothetop

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

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@wolfpupy

no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

@CountGripsnatch

*maintains eye contact with coworker while licking a yogurt lid for seventeen minutes*

@SatansTongue

*Meninist meeting*
WOMEN ARE EVIL-
*phone rings*
Uhh just a second…
*picks up phone*
Mom not while I’m doing my club! Yes, pizza tonight.

@pro_worrier_

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

@RobocopLust

A is for apple
B is for bear
C is for candy
D is for your mom

@daemonic3

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

@dorsalstream

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

@kimtopher22

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.