chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
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I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.