Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

👽

Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.

me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse

My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

_ _ _ _ _

The category is “Down on the Farm.”

Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”

Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.

Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email