Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
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My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.