chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
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Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…