*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
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Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Not even remotely sorry.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
asked my bf how work was today
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
So Hamburger help me, God