I see in my wife’s browser history that she’s is googling couples ballroom dance lessons and I’m now praying that she’s having an affair
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Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
bae: come over
bae: my parents aren’t home.
me: but we’re only 7, that’s awful parenting.
me: AWFUL. PARENTING.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…