*Chicken strips*

Me: *blushes*

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I see in my wife’s browser history that she’s is googling couples ballroom dance lessons and I’m now praying that she’s having an affair


30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.


My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.


My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.


*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?


[3rd grade]
bae: come over
me: no
bae: my parents aren’t home.
me: but we’re only 7, that’s awful parenting.
bae: but-


We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…