*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
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Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
San Francisco has too many rules
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.