*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
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Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
