Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

Autocannibalism is self-serving.

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume