Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
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I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
