Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
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*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
#NeverForget
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.