Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
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Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
LOOOOOOL
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!