Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
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[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.