“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
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Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.