Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

absolute chaos

Fashion designers: What do you want?

Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable

Fashion designers: we don’t do magic

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this

This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”

Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”

[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

Krampus.

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.