Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.

What level of hell is this?

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

*pronounces surface like Versace*

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.

Curious…

rise and shine we got egg

Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”

My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.