Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
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Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
it is time once again
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
😍😂🥰😂😍
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”