Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
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New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
😭😭😭😭
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.