Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
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This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I’ve disappointed better people.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Oh yeh? Explain this then
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you