Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
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When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.