Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
You Might Also Like
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*