Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
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assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Worth the read.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
a god among men
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water