Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

[GOP Debate]

MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?

CRUZ: what?

MODERATOR: I knew it!

Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.

“Easy to use instructions.”

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.