Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
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My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Name this drama.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law