Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.