Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

The happy life.. 😊

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

Divorce… The most common home improvement project.

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

rebranding

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.