Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
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My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
me linking you to my twitter
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.