Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
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I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Just had to take a urine sample to my GP and at reception they asked me “does the doctor know about this already”. No, no. I just brought a cup of my wee as a present. Please don’t spoil the surprise.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.