Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
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[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Just had my nails done!
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.