Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
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DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money