Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

thanksgiving in nutshell

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

“What?”
– Jude

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”

~ now I’m scared

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

My five year plan is a meteorite

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

Why are bridges so flammable.

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?