Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

Lol #dogsoftwitter

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.

A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

Yep.

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

I falcon love using swear birds

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working