Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
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Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
somewhere, in an alternate universe
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot