Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months

the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*

Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.

12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*

Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??

12: I…uh…..*runs away*

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.