Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
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Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Always a metermaid never a meter