Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
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Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
[sees my pet ant crawl into the room where my wife and I are arguing] we can’t do this in front of her
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I’m eating sandwiches you haven’t heard of in jeans you can’t pronounce
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️