Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.

JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

Good morning.

i want it utterly assaulted.

TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?

JAMES: he’s a-

ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

😅😅😅