Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
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Candles never taste the way they smell
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
this site is so cooked lol
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Me: why should I use your dish soap
Dawn: look how good it cleans this duck
Me: ok well how does it do on dishes?
Dawn: again, I can’t stress enough how clean this duck is
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left