Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”

– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car

still the best tweet of the year by far

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help

Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs

Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.

Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?

Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.

4: Mom’s not home.

Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.