Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.

Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-

Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

[In the White House war room]

Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.

The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like