Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

Jesus steals the winter solstice

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

Mistakes were made

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

S M O L

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.