(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
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giddy up Office Depot
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.