*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
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Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I missed you with all my darts
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Denise please return my vape pen
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.