*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
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Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
so much to do
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
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