*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
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What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
“Huge”.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Oops I deleted….
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u