Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.

Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…

twitter users today:

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen