CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I don’t get marriage
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
