Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
You Might Also Like
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.