Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

Pilot: There’s a loose…

Engineer: Tape.

P: And some rivets hav…

E: Tape.

P: Also signs of metal fatigu…

E: Tape.

P: And a panel is missi…

E: Tape.

P: Hydraulic failu…

E: Tape.

P: Th…

E: Tape.

P:

E: Tape.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.

ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside

BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot

#MeanwhileInCanada

live long and prosper!

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.