Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
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If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.