Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

This raises questions

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes

#titanic

Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”