Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.

He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.

THIS.

MOTHER.

FUCKER.

DOES.

NOT.

CARE.

HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.

Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]

Penguin:

God: technically that’s not flying lol.

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.