Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
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when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore