Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
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Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.