Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all

GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this

CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]

Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

every single time

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom