Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all

God: Give them free will

Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”

God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

a fate I wish upon no one

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

😆

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good