Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

Fashion designers:
What do you want?

Women: uniform sizing across brands.

Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.

“Keep it in your pants!”

-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”