Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

☠️ ☠️

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.

Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Ffs

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

sure we’re surviving 2019

but at what cost

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

When I was a kid I thought Original Sin meant that everyone had one weird sin they did in their life that no one else had done before and you had to work out what it was

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.