Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.

EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

Are we done? Can we go?

-A memoir.

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?