Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

God: take it

Satan: no you take it

God: no you take it

Satan: i dont want it

God: well its no good to me

Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

Do NOT do this 🙄🙄

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.