Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

Me: one taco without strawberries

Taco Bell guy: strawberries?

Me: no thank you

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.

I made popcorn.

Teen smelled popcorn.

I no longer have popcorn.

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?

me: sure *starts crying for hours*

CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.

😂👽

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!