Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

Me 🙂

My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back

Me 🙁

Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]

Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]

Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.

Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.

“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

Untitled Goose Game (2019)

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?

[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no