me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
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[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Your pronunciation of the word surreal is why I have trust issues.
*puts away bowl and spoon
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.