[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
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Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Trying
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Scream sneezers need love too.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.