Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

Plumber: I think I found the problem

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

Going to church you guys need anything

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

[thanksgiving dinner]

Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive

My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!

Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

😂

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.