Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

Me: A lady never reveals her age.

Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!

Me: FINE! *sigh* 37

Dr: thank you

Me: ish

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic